I am coming out of my cave of despair to inform you about Han Solo’s Day, which is tomorrow. Valentine’s Day is completely arbitrary and superficial. I’m pretty sure it was created by either the card and candy companies or by a cabal of powerful married men who needed to invent a day when their w.a.s.p. wives would feel obligated to sleep with them if they bought ‘em stuff (kind of like an old person’s version of Mardi Gras).
Therefore, I do not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Instead, I recognize Han Solo’s Day. Why Han Solo? Because Han Solo portrays the greatest love that a man can feel for a woman. He swoops in at the last minute to get the Tie Fighters off the tail of Luke’s X-Wing so that Luke can destroy the Death Star. He does this because he is starting to fall for Princess Leia even though that action will make him an even greater galactic fugitive. Then he pursues his romance with Leia like a total badass only to find himself about to be frozen in carbonite, but before this happens the following exchange occurs:
Leia, “I love you.”
Han, “I know.”
Then he’s frozen in carbonite. Is there a better exchange possible? No, there is not.
So explain to your special lady friend that you will not be buying her anything this year, nor will you be cuddling up to watch Love Actually. Instead, all three Star Wars will be watched back to back to back. Afterwards you will present her with the following question: if I were frozen in carbonite would you attempt a rescue even if there was the distinct possibility that your attempt would be thwarted and you’d end up wearing a gold bikini and chained to an obese monster that will try to lick you.
If she says ‘yes’, say hello to your future wife or, if you’re already married, know that you can destroy the pre-nup. If she says ‘no’, game over pal. See, isn’t that better than Valentine’s Day? So enjoy Han Solo’s Day tomorrow, and may the Force be with you.
ps, The latest issue of The Procrastinator came out and can be downloaded in pdf format here (procrastinator_21101) or click this link to view it online. As always comments about the newsletter are welcome in the comment section of this post.