At Least CofC Won This Weekend

I’ve been updating the content sites, but if I don’t tell you about that on this main page it doesn’t do much good. My bad.

On SP Sports I’ve got the video of Christian Laettner hitting his last second miracle shot against Kentucky in ’92 and the new commercial they made about it. Funny stuff unless you’re a Kentucky fan. By the way, if you’re a UK fan are you not pissed about that movie Glory Road? I watched it the other day and I know Rupp was sort of racist but the movie makes him out to be the basketball equivalent of Hitler. Yikes. And overall the movie wasn’t even that good. So as a UK fan you’re faced with an average movie defaming your legendary coach. Tough break.

Also at SP Sports is my open question about how valuable Manny Ramirez is for fantasy baseball. I think he’s a top 10 pick but Yahoo and ESPN fantasy experts disagree with me. Also at some point I’ll do a recap of the Super 14 Rugby weekend (spoiler alert, the Stormers lost AGAIN).

At the Politics page I’ve just posted a clip from the Daily Show and a link to an interview done on the Daily Show. I didn’t just do this to avoid having to think of something, those two clips are worth posting. They basically rip apart the whole financial ‘journalism’ racket. Seriously, watch those clips.

At the Society page I’ve got a thing about horrible movie accents. So go read that, see the list of bad accents in movies I’ve got, add any that I’ve missed, and try to figure out the top three most egregious ones. Fun stuff.

Lastly, after a week off The Procrastinator, the e-newsletter we do with The AD Hall and anyone that we can coerce into writing something, is back. This issue has a great interview, two subpar pieces by yours truly (I think the week off threw me off my game [of course that assumes that I had any game in the first place]), a brain teaser, a thing about the President going to the Wizards game by The Chairman, an NBA poem, and a special guest column by Betsy Neely. So click here to download it in pdf format procrastinator-3-6-09 or just go to this site to view the online archives. Whatever you do give it a read because there’s something in there for everybody and we put effort into it (even it sometimes doesn’t show, haha).

And if you want to comment about it, volunteer to write something for it, or just tell us to stop emailing you leave a comment in this box or email the people on the newsletter directly.

Happy Han Solo’s Day

I am coming out of my cave of despair to inform you about Han Solo’s Day, which is tomorrow. Valentine’s Day is completely arbitrary and superficial. I’m pretty sure it was created by either the card and candy companies or by a cabal of powerful married men who needed to invent a day when their w.a.s.p. wives would feel obligated to sleep with them if they bought ‘em stuff (kind of like an old person’s version of Mardi Gras).

Therefore, I do not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Instead, I recognize Han Solo’s Day. Why Han Solo? Because Han Solo portrays the greatest love that a man can feel for a woman. He swoops in at the last minute to get the Tie Fighters off the tail of Luke’s X-Wing so that Luke can destroy the Death Star. He does this because he is starting to fall for Princess Leia even though that action will make him an even greater galactic fugitive. Then he pursues his romance with Leia like a total badass only to find himself about to be frozen in carbonite, but before this happens the following exchange occurs:

Leia, “I love you.”

Han, “I know.”

Then he’s frozen in carbonite. Is there a better exchange possible? No, there is not.

So explain to your special lady friend that you will not be buying her anything this year, nor will you be cuddling up to watch Love Actually. Instead, all three Star Wars will be watched back to back to back. Afterwards you will present her with the following question: if I were frozen in carbonite would you attempt a rescue even if there was the distinct possibility that your attempt would be thwarted and you’d end up wearing a gold bikini and chained to an obese monster that will try to lick you.

If she says ‘yes’, say hello to your future wife or, if you’re already married, know that you can destroy the pre-nup. If she says ‘no’, game over pal. See, isn’t that better than Valentine’s Day? So enjoy Han Solo’s Day tomorrow, and may the Force be with you.

ps, The latest issue of The Procrastinator came out and can be downloaded in pdf format here (procrastinator_21101) or click this link to view it online. As always comments about the newsletter are welcome in the comment section of this post.

High Life!

Seriously, Miller Lite’s one second commercial was the only really funny Super Bowl ad.

Anyway, I was gone this week because I flew out to Denver and drove back to Charleston in a Penske truck to help move Jeff back to the Palmetto state. In my absence another issue of The Procrastinator came out and it would behoove you to read it (click here procrastinator-1-30). The byline for this issue says, “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time” and I’d say that perfectly describes the newsletter. Give it a read, I promise you’ll enjoy at least something in it and it’ll get your mind off whatever bullshit work is dragging you down.

This issue starts off with a piece I did analyzing President Bush’s legacy, then goes to Brad’s Bonfire of Inanities about how people need to clean up the trash left by the crowds at the inauguration, which is followed by Rusty Lee exploring the ambiguity of Representative Democracy, followed by Brad’s gonzo journalist take on his experiences at the inauguration, then onto a Fifth Column story that Jim wrote for a competition that required him to turn in a mystery story, and finally Michael “the Chairman” Orr caps things off by arguing that there is no such thing as the moral high ground.

Plus, we’ve all added quick quotes about what the inauguration meant to us and to the world at large. Just an interesting spin for this issue.

As always you are welcome to leave comments about the newsletter on this post or, thanks to Mike Orr, you can go to The Procrastinator Online, which is a blog he created to archive all the stuff we do for The Procrastinator. So go there to read anything you missed or to comment on our musings.

The Waitress is Practicing Politics

I’d say the video at the end of this post is beneath us, but when Jeff told me about it laughed so clearly the depth of our depravity hasn’t been reached yet.

But before you get to the video I must tell you that I’ll be away for about week as I go to Colorado to help Jeff move back to the Palmetto State. But fear not as a new issue of The Procrastinator will be coming out on Friday. Also in newsletter news, Mao created a website to archive all the articles we’ve written, which I’ve linked in the sidebar there under The Procrastinator Online. Give it a look just in case you missed an issue or wanted to comment on something or wanted to sight us for a paper you’re writing called, “Mid to Late 20 Somethings with Delusions of Grandeur”.

And there’s new stuff at SP Sports (College Hoops Observations, Rugby), the Politics page (Fox News has my attention, Carolina Kennedy and Joe the Plumber suck), and the Society page (name a well written TV show, my weighty tome about postmodernism and Mt Everest and Chuck Klosterman and why modern society blows). So check those out in my absence and enjoy The Procrastinator.

Now to the afore mentioned grossness. There’s nothing like someone clearly out of touch with the world explaining how you should be behaving and then saying something unintentionally hilarious.

Presumably she means that they fist bump together, but that sort of error is the kind of thing that gets your PhD in Love Doctoring revoked by University of Phoenix Online.

Bottle of Red, Bottle of White

The Procrastinator is waiting for you to read it. Click the link (right here procrastinator_1-162), see our wonderful pdf document, read it, laugh, cry, think, respond via email or comment on this post. It’s fairly easy.

Anyway, new stuff is on all three of our sites. At the Society page there are four things to check out. The oldest one is an article in which I bitch about actors and applaud the American public for not watching the Golden Globes. Then Jeff posted a funny clip from a poetry slam. Don’t wince, it’s funny not pretentious. Above that post is another one from Jeff where he derides the show Top Chef for essentially advertising throughout the show. The most recent thing is the 2008 Stormy Present Person of the Year award. What to know who won it? Then go check out the Society page.

At the Politics page I’ve waxed on and on about Joe the Plumber and Caroline Kennedy and why I think both of them are cheating at life. Seriously, I hate those two people and you will too once you read the article.

Lastly, at SP Sports there is just a quick summary of the fact that we dominated college football with our preseason picks. We wrote pieces about Duke, Tennessee, and Georgia Tech and nailed the Duke and GT predictions. As for UT, who could’ve known they’d be so bad they’d lose to Wyoming?

Enjoy all that stuff and try not to get oversaturated in Inaugural bliss.

Oprah Does Coke?!?!

Am I the only person in America that has never even considered doing cocaine? Our current President, our current President-elect, actors, musicians, yuppies, hippies, beatniks, and now Oprah. It’s like I’m the only one that has seen a VH1 Behind the Music and knows coke inevitably leads to you producing a crap cd and becoming a total douche who ultimately finds purpose and meaning in Scientology. Get with it people, just say no.

You know what you could do instead of lines of blow, read lines of brilliant prose in The Procrastinator (click here to read it procrastinator_1-161). That’s right rock n roll wash-ups, we’ve put out a new newsletter and it’s actually the most robust one yet. It starts off with Michael “the Chairman” Orr’s piece about how he’s glad he won’t be in DC for the inauguration, then onto a Greg Maddux tribute by Brad Wright, followed by our second food review by Morgen Young, then on to a Bonfires of Inanities piece by Brad (always good at these) concerning Tebow’s divinity, followed by the Fifth Column (or fiction section) in which “the Chairman” details a road trip he took after high school (haven’t we all fantasized about doing that?), then comes my first attempt at a Bonfires of Inanities article and it concerns Jake Delhomme’s playoff performance (although can we even classify it as a “performance” since he didn’t actually “perform” on any level or in any aspect of the game?), after that Brad has a really funny and insightful piece about American Exceptionalism (a must read if you dig Simpsons-esque humor and intellectualism), and it all concludes with a review of the city of Portland by Michael Orr.

Like I said, it’s a lot to read but the articles are concise and easy to read. Plus, every minute you spend reading The Procrastinator is a minute you’re not doing drugs. You’re welcome DEA.

And as for The Stormy Present, sorry for my lax performance this week, which has been akin to Jake Delhomme’s “performance”. I was busy selling my soul, but I ended up buying it back for a cheaper price and am now free to resume writing. As of now, I’ve got my AFC and NFC Championship picks over at SP Sports and will soon have an article about how Joe the Plumber and Caroline Kennedy are cheating at life (and therefore the truest embodiments of American society) and I’ll bestow The Stormy Present Person of the Year award (the SPPOTY as I like to call it). Until then, enjoy the newsletter and feel free to comment positively or negatively about the newsletter in the comment section of this post.

“Two Chicks at the Same Time”

About a year ago I made a list of things to do before I die. I had to break it down into two categories: Sports goals and Life goals. So go to SP Sports to see my list of Sports things to do before you die and then put your own list in the comment section (or just make fun of my list). Then check out the Society page to see the more life related things to do before you die. Again, add your two cents in the comment section.

Also at SP Sports you’ll see a very funny Onion style article by Jim about how Dallas looking so shitty against the Eagles makes them America’s team in the worst sense. It really is hilarious, and if you dig that then you should read our newsletter, done jointly with the people from the AD Hall, called The Procrastinator (click here procrastinator_1-2), which features articles about a variety of topics as well as Bonfire of Iniquities (the Onion style stuff) and even some fiction (The Fifth Column).

If you have any comments about this issue of The Procrastinator or want to be on the mailing list leave a comment on this post.

“We Can Build on This!”

When Herm Edwards, coach of the atrocious Kansas City Chiefs, said those words (in the title) I think he had The Procrastinator in mind. Clearly he wasn’t talking about his football team because when he uttered that phrase they had just been soundly defeated. Thus, he must have been referring to our newsletter, The Procrastinator, which can be downloaded in pdf format right here –> procrastinator_1-2

This issue, the first of 2009, contains a restaurant and food review (a first for the newsletter), an article about how I fear I’m becoming a “Sports Agnostic” (read it and you’ll see where I’m going with that), another foray into Onion-esque reporting by Brad Wright (he conducts a third person/first person interview of himself; very postmodern … but mostly funny), and two articles by Michael “The Chairman” Orr, the first centering on Israel and the hypocrisy of the US’s position toward them (like me, he’s not a fan) while the second talks about how we should give domestic tourism a try (how terrible is it that I’ve never been west of the Mississippi River? Yikes). Oh, and The Fifth Column, our section for creative writing, is the opening to a book I thought would be fun to write called Hotel Africa (feel free to skip that part of the newsletter, I’ll understand).

All in all, it’s one of our more diverse efforts. It’s good stuff through and through so give it a read. And if you agree with us and Herm Edwards about how we feel that “we can build on this” (this = The Procrastinator) then continue reading and comment in the comment section of this post or via an email to any one of us about what you like, don’t like, agree with, don’t agree with, or whatever.

Thanks for your time and here’s to you Herm Edwards (who inexplicably still has a job)