Dan Snyder Cares Not for the Economy of Mortals

The Redskins signed defensive end, native South Carolinian, and noted face stopper Albert Haynesworth to a 7 year $100 million contract. So he’s going to play in Washington (well actually outside of Washington), the city that houses the government charged with fixing our broken economy. This strikes me as sort of humorous.

If you also enjoy the relationship between sports and money and the failing economy, go to SP Sports to read Bill Simmons’ excellent article about how the NBA is facing massive financial problems. Afterwards, you can hit up the Society page to read and comment about whether or not public figures like UConn’s coach Jim Calhoun or other celebrities, sports or otherwise, should voluntarily take a pay cut. Actually NFL comishoner Roger Goodell wisely decided to give himself a pay cut. Once again, the NFL proves that it is the best run sport and all the others are about 10 steps behind. So should other public figures making swathes of money do the same? Weigh in at the society page.

Then, at some point after I finish my work, I’ll put up something on the Politics page about how I think the stimulus plan is “quixotic”. Yeah, that’s a big word. If you want to know what it means you’ll have to read the article.

Lastly, there is no Procrastinator newsletter this week. For all 3 of you that are disappointed by that news fear not as we will probably have one next week (and it will likely be all about the economy and sports and why the freaking world is ending).

Redskins owner Dan Snyder and his otherworldly friend Tom Cruise

I <3 Donna Moss

First of all I only recently figured out that the less than sign next to the three is a heart. But more importantly, when I don’t have to do anything in the mornings I watch West Wing on Bravo and even after religiously watching this show when it was still running many years ago, my crush on Donna Moss has never waivered. Why Josh didn’t date her sooner (ie before the final season) is the most unrealistic and flabbergasting aspect of the show; even more unbelievable than the rampant idealism and sanctimony.

At SP Sports you can read about the results of Super 14 Rugby’s second week of play. Hey, the Stormers won this week! Anyway, I’ve got quick snippets for every game and the current standings in that post. So check it out. Also, shortly I’ve have another College Hoops Observations.

Meanwhile, at the Politics page there is a thing about whether or not people (in general) are capable of existing without the simplicity of a black and white morality.

And if you haven’t looked at the two articles I linked too, the one on Shane Battier written by the guy who wrote Moneyball (at SP Sports) and the one written by Archbishop Desmond Tutu about America’s global reputation (at the Politics page), then I highly recommend you do so.

Hey, What’s This Lying Around Shit?!?!

World Cup 2010 tickets on sale went on sale today. You can click this link to reserve your tickets, which really just gets you put into a lottery and then if you win your order goes through and you’ve successfully bought the tickets. Otherwise, your card doesn’t get charged for the tickets.

So who’s with me?!?! You can get 3 worst seat option team specific (USA) tickets for like $275 bucks. Are ya in?!?! Come on, join Sam’s Army!

Oh and I’m pretty sure we can get a place to stay for cheap because I have friends there and there’s also the possibility of getting a resident South African to buy us the cheaply priced South African tickets for other games.

You only live once. I’m in if you are. Come on, this economy is going to make the rest of your life a living hell, why not blow your money while you still have some to blow?!?! Heed the words of Bluto from Animal House.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x403sf_was-it-over-when-the-germans-bombed_fun

That Chimp is No Chump

This doesn’t deserve an entire post, but I feel the need to point this out to you.

Obviously I hope the woman attacked by her friend’s chimp gets better, but I also hope her dumbass friend who owned the chimp goes to jail. It is a wild animal, I don’t care that you feel like it was a son to you, it is meant to live in the wild and has the ability to ‘rip your face off’ as it did to the owner’s friend. Did you ever notice that usually people who own exotic pets like this are maladjusted people who don’t like living in reality? Drug dealers or frequent drug users are the most common perpetrators of this. Look dude, I just came over to listen to Dark Side of the Moon, I don’t want your tarantula crawling around and freaking me out.

Dumb asses like this buy exotic animals because they want to appear interesting. They need a hook to get people to talk to them. There was this guy in Cape Town who walked around with a parrot on his shoulder. Even though I never spoke to him, I hated this guy. What kind of idiot walks around with a parrot on his shoulder? He was just doing it to be ‘weird’ and ‘interesting’ and I guess he assumed this would aide him in starting conversations with people and therefore make friends.

The point is there is no reason to own exotic pets. Either you’re a social retard trying to use them to make friends or you claim to be an ‘animal lover’ but ignore the fact that exotic pets are often traded illicitly and snatched from their habitat and then smuggled in poor conditions to the pet store where you bought it. They are wild animals that most people don’t own for a reason, namely they can rip your face off. Leave them in the wild.

Anyway, go to SP Sports for a rundown of this week’s Super 14 Rugby games and a brief history of South African Rugby. Then at the Society page I’ve compiled a rant in the form of that silly facebook 25 random things about you.

Trey Sings the Blues

Wednesday and Sunday and Friday (my high school team [my dad is a coach] lost to their cross town rival) have me considering going to VH1’s Sober House to cure myself of my love for basketball.

Plus, if you go to SP Sports you’ll see that I’ve posted the results of Super 14 Rugby’s first weekend of games and that my Stormers lost. I wish I could quit sports.

At the Politics page there is an open question to the readers about whether or not Muammar Gaddafi’s assertion that democracy in Africa won’t work are valid. Go there and leave your answer(s) in the comment section.

Similarly, at the Society page there is another open question about which three colleges you’d attend in an ideal world. Go over and check it out, then leave your list in the comment section.

Happy Han Solo’s Day

I am coming out of my cave of despair to inform you about Han Solo’s Day, which is tomorrow. Valentine’s Day is completely arbitrary and superficial. I’m pretty sure it was created by either the card and candy companies or by a cabal of powerful married men who needed to invent a day when their w.a.s.p. wives would feel obligated to sleep with them if they bought ‘em stuff (kind of like an old person’s version of Mardi Gras).

Therefore, I do not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Instead, I recognize Han Solo’s Day. Why Han Solo? Because Han Solo portrays the greatest love that a man can feel for a woman. He swoops in at the last minute to get the Tie Fighters off the tail of Luke’s X-Wing so that Luke can destroy the Death Star. He does this because he is starting to fall for Princess Leia even though that action will make him an even greater galactic fugitive. Then he pursues his romance with Leia like a total badass only to find himself about to be frozen in carbonite, but before this happens the following exchange occurs:

Leia, “I love you.”

Han, “I know.”

Then he’s frozen in carbonite. Is there a better exchange possible? No, there is not.

So explain to your special lady friend that you will not be buying her anything this year, nor will you be cuddling up to watch Love Actually. Instead, all three Star Wars will be watched back to back to back. Afterwards you will present her with the following question: if I were frozen in carbonite would you attempt a rescue even if there was the distinct possibility that your attempt would be thwarted and you’d end up wearing a gold bikini and chained to an obese monster that will try to lick you.

If she says ‘yes’, say hello to your future wife or, if you’re already married, know that you can destroy the pre-nup. If she says ‘no’, game over pal. See, isn’t that better than Valentine’s Day? So enjoy Han Solo’s Day tomorrow, and may the Force be with you.

ps, The latest issue of The Procrastinator came out and can be downloaded in pdf format here (procrastinator_21101) or click this link to view it online. As always comments about the newsletter are welcome in the comment section of this post.

The Day of Days

Welcome to the Heavenly Hell that is the day of the DUKE v unc game. It is a day of mixed and diametrically opposed feelings. I am anxious, excited, nervous, and optimistic. This is why sports is great and why there is no other rivalry in sports or life in general that even comes close to DUKE v unc, especially when it’s at Cameron Indoor.

It’d drops some brilliant prose detailing the greatness of DUKE v unc, but I figure anyone worth their salt already knows even if they don’t fully “get it” on a spiritual level. Anywho, if Duke wins I’ll continue publishing posts at the usual rate. If Duke (I won’t even say it, but you know what I’m implying), then I’ll slip into a deep depression and probably won’t write anything until Monday. If that’s the case enjoy our most recent stuff.

At the Politics page I talk about President Obama’s Press Conference and feel free to jump in with your own thoughts. Also, this weekend marks the beginning of Super 14 Rugby so at SP Sports I’ve posted a list of all the teams and advise you to pick one to support. And a new issue of The Procrastinator is likely coming out on Friday, which as it so happens is Han Solo’s Day (not Valentines Day), so check your email for that.

So stop listening to The Fray (or is that just me) and prepare to watch USA v Mexico at 7 and then realize that you can’t fully enjoy even the best soccer rivalry because you’re breaking into cold sweats as you play out various good and bad scenarios that could occur in the DUKE v unc game at 9 (or is that just me also).

Happy reading, go well, and GO DUKE!!!

I Can’t Watch Two Things at the Same Time

Someone at US Soccer or ESPN owes me an explanation. Why is it that every year they schedule the greatest rivalry in soccer, USA v Mexico, on the same night as the greatest rivalry of all sports, Duke v unc? Is it any wonder that soccer doesn’t catch on in the US when they make scheduling decisions like this?

Anyway, Super 14 Rugby starts Friday so at SP Sports I’ve got a brief explanation of how rugby is played so that you’ll know what I’m talking about in future posts. In a couple of days I’ll do a post so you know all the teams and can pick a favorite for the season. After that there will be one arguing that you should pick the Stormers as your favorite team (or at least pick another South African team).

And at the Society page there is a piece about the myth of educational superiority in which I argue that getting an A at the College of Charleston is better than getting an A at Harvard. Enjoy this picture from a Harvard football game.

Friends Don’t Mention It

Tons of new stuff as my brain is backlogged from taking a week off. Still, be sure to check out the latest issue of The Procrastinator (click here procrastinator-1-30 or read it online here).

At SP Sports there are three new articles: How to Fix Olympic Swimming, The Return of the Iron Dukes (about Duke’s football recruiting class), and Things We Hate About ESPN (a list of things we hate about ESPN). So read those and add your thought, because everybody wants to vent about how much they hate ESPN and Olympic Swimming.

At the Politics page, there is a long piece about how the District 7 School Board in my hometown of Spartanburg, SC wanted to give the Country Club of Spartanburg $325,000 so that my old high school could use the golf course. Pretty absurd and after a public uproar the School Board was forced to put the measure on hold.

Upcoming there will be stuff about books we’re planning to read, skiing, President Obama’s problems, running, and other miscellany. Plus, Super 14 Rugby starts next Friday so I’ll have some posts up about that to prep you for that.

High Life!

Seriously, Miller Lite’s one second commercial was the only really funny Super Bowl ad.

Anyway, I was gone this week because I flew out to Denver and drove back to Charleston in a Penske truck to help move Jeff back to the Palmetto state. In my absence another issue of The Procrastinator came out and it would behoove you to read it (click here procrastinator-1-30). The byline for this issue says, “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time” and I’d say that perfectly describes the newsletter. Give it a read, I promise you’ll enjoy at least something in it and it’ll get your mind off whatever bullshit work is dragging you down.

This issue starts off with a piece I did analyzing President Bush’s legacy, then goes to Brad’s Bonfire of Inanities about how people need to clean up the trash left by the crowds at the inauguration, which is followed by Rusty Lee exploring the ambiguity of Representative Democracy, followed by Brad’s gonzo journalist take on his experiences at the inauguration, then onto a Fifth Column story that Jim wrote for a competition that required him to turn in a mystery story, and finally Michael “the Chairman” Orr caps things off by arguing that there is no such thing as the moral high ground.

Plus, we’ve all added quick quotes about what the inauguration meant to us and to the world at large. Just an interesting spin for this issue.

As always you are welcome to leave comments about the newsletter on this post or, thanks to Mike Orr, you can go to The Procrastinator Online, which is a blog he created to archive all the stuff we do for The Procrastinator. So go there to read anything you missed or to comment on our musings.