The Waitress is Practicing Politics

I’d say the video at the end of this post is beneath us, but when Jeff told me about it laughed so clearly the depth of our depravity hasn’t been reached yet.

But before you get to the video I must tell you that I’ll be away for about week as I go to Colorado to help Jeff move back to the Palmetto State. But fear not as a new issue of The Procrastinator will be coming out on Friday. Also in newsletter news, Mao created a website to archive all the articles we’ve written, which I’ve linked in the sidebar there under The Procrastinator Online. Give it a look just in case you missed an issue or wanted to comment on something or wanted to sight us for a paper you’re writing called, “Mid to Late 20 Somethings with Delusions of Grandeur”.

And there’s new stuff at SP Sports (College Hoops Observations, Rugby), the Politics page (Fox News has my attention, Carolina Kennedy and Joe the Plumber suck), and the Society page (name a well written TV show, my weighty tome about postmodernism and Mt Everest and Chuck Klosterman and why modern society blows). So check those out in my absence and enjoy The Procrastinator.

Now to the afore mentioned grossness. There’s nothing like someone clearly out of touch with the world explaining how you should be behaving and then saying something unintentionally hilarious.

Presumably she means that they fist bump together, but that sort of error is the kind of thing that gets your PhD in Love Doctoring revoked by University of Phoenix Online.

Joe the Plumber, You’re Next!

Apparently my article over at the Politics page took Caroline Kennedy down a peg as she has announced that she’s no longer seeking Hillary Clinton’s vacated Senate seat. You’re welcome America. Anyway, if you haven’t read that yet do so.

Meanwhile, at SP Sports we’ve got a new installment of my random college hoops thoughts (which really only appear after a Duke win when I’m feeling good about life) as well as an announcement that SP Sports will be your source for rugby, mainly Super 14 rugby centered around my favorite team the Cape Town Stormers.

And forthcoming at the Society page I’m working on a piece about Mt Everest, Chuck Klosterman, postmodernism, and what’s wrong with modern society. Should be interesting so keep an eye out.

Bottle of Red, Bottle of White

The Procrastinator is waiting for you to read it. Click the link (right here procrastinator_1-162), see our wonderful pdf document, read it, laugh, cry, think, respond via email or comment on this post. It’s fairly easy.

Anyway, new stuff is on all three of our sites. At the Society page there are four things to check out. The oldest one is an article in which I bitch about actors and applaud the American public for not watching the Golden Globes. Then Jeff posted a funny clip from a poetry slam. Don’t wince, it’s funny not pretentious. Above that post is another one from Jeff where he derides the show Top Chef for essentially advertising throughout the show. The most recent thing is the 2008 Stormy Present Person of the Year award. What to know who won it? Then go check out the Society page.

At the Politics page I’ve waxed on and on about Joe the Plumber and Caroline Kennedy and why I think both of them are cheating at life. Seriously, I hate those two people and you will too once you read the article.

Lastly, at SP Sports there is just a quick summary of the fact that we dominated college football with our preseason picks. We wrote pieces about Duke, Tennessee, and Georgia Tech and nailed the Duke and GT predictions. As for UT, who could’ve known they’d be so bad they’d lose to Wyoming?

Enjoy all that stuff and try not to get oversaturated in Inaugural bliss.

Oprah Does Coke?!?!

Am I the only person in America that has never even considered doing cocaine? Our current President, our current President-elect, actors, musicians, yuppies, hippies, beatniks, and now Oprah. It’s like I’m the only one that has seen a VH1 Behind the Music and knows coke inevitably leads to you producing a crap cd and becoming a total douche who ultimately finds purpose and meaning in Scientology. Get with it people, just say no.

You know what you could do instead of lines of blow, read lines of brilliant prose in The Procrastinator (click here to read it procrastinator_1-161). That’s right rock n roll wash-ups, we’ve put out a new newsletter and it’s actually the most robust one yet. It starts off with Michael “the Chairman” Orr’s piece about how he’s glad he won’t be in DC for the inauguration, then onto a Greg Maddux tribute by Brad Wright, followed by our second food review by Morgen Young, then on to a Bonfires of Inanities piece by Brad (always good at these) concerning Tebow’s divinity, followed by the Fifth Column (or fiction section) in which “the Chairman” details a road trip he took after high school (haven’t we all fantasized about doing that?), then comes my first attempt at a Bonfires of Inanities article and it concerns Jake Delhomme’s playoff performance (although can we even classify it as a “performance” since he didn’t actually “perform” on any level or in any aspect of the game?), after that Brad has a really funny and insightful piece about American Exceptionalism (a must read if you dig Simpsons-esque humor and intellectualism), and it all concludes with a review of the city of Portland by Michael Orr.

Like I said, it’s a lot to read but the articles are concise and easy to read. Plus, every minute you spend reading The Procrastinator is a minute you’re not doing drugs. You’re welcome DEA.

And as for The Stormy Present, sorry for my lax performance this week, which has been akin to Jake Delhomme’s “performance”. I was busy selling my soul, but I ended up buying it back for a cheaper price and am now free to resume writing. As of now, I’ve got my AFC and NFC Championship picks over at SP Sports and will soon have an article about how Joe the Plumber and Caroline Kennedy are cheating at life (and therefore the truest embodiments of American society) and I’ll bestow The Stormy Present Person of the Year award (the SPPOTY as I like to call it). Until then, enjoy the newsletter and feel free to comment positively or negatively about the newsletter in the comment section of this post.

Don’t make Skiing “Harder” Than it is

SP Sports is blowing up. Jim started it off with a great Bonfires of Inanities about how the Cowboy’s end of season collapse solidifies their moniker as “America’s Team” given all of America’s current troubles. Then I made my round 2 NFL playoff picks, which I’m already 0-2 on so you might want to skim that. Next, Jim had the brilliant idea to do a running blog for the BCS “Championship” Game. Read the comment section to see our running comments throughout the game (SPOILER ALERT: Tim Tebow is Jesus). Most recently, I finally got around to posting how everyone finished in our season-long Total Consciousness College Football Picks. So go over to SP Sports and just scroll down to see all those posts and more.

Enjoy SP Sports for now and I’ll have some stuff up on the other sites at some point in the near future.

“Two Chicks at the Same Time”

About a year ago I made a list of things to do before I die. I had to break it down into two categories: Sports goals and Life goals. So go to SP Sports to see my list of Sports things to do before you die and then put your own list in the comment section (or just make fun of my list). Then check out the Society page to see the more life related things to do before you die. Again, add your two cents in the comment section.

Also at SP Sports you’ll see a very funny Onion style article by Jim about how Dallas looking so shitty against the Eagles makes them America’s team in the worst sense. It really is hilarious, and if you dig that then you should read our newsletter, done jointly with the people from the AD Hall, called The Procrastinator (click here procrastinator_1-2), which features articles about a variety of topics as well as Bonfire of Iniquities (the Onion style stuff) and even some fiction (The Fifth Column).

If you have any comments about this issue of The Procrastinator or want to be on the mailing list leave a comment on this post.

“We Can Build on This!”

When Herm Edwards, coach of the atrocious Kansas City Chiefs, said those words (in the title) I think he had The Procrastinator in mind. Clearly he wasn’t talking about his football team because when he uttered that phrase they had just been soundly defeated. Thus, he must have been referring to our newsletter, The Procrastinator, which can be downloaded in pdf format right here –> procrastinator_1-2

This issue, the first of 2009, contains a restaurant and food review (a first for the newsletter), an article about how I fear I’m becoming a “Sports Agnostic” (read it and you’ll see where I’m going with that), another foray into Onion-esque reporting by Brad Wright (he conducts a third person/first person interview of himself; very postmodern … but mostly funny), and two articles by Michael “The Chairman” Orr, the first centering on Israel and the hypocrisy of the US’s position toward them (like me, he’s not a fan) while the second talks about how we should give domestic tourism a try (how terrible is it that I’ve never been west of the Mississippi River? Yikes). Oh, and The Fifth Column, our section for creative writing, is the opening to a book I thought would be fun to write called Hotel Africa (feel free to skip that part of the newsletter, I’ll understand).

All in all, it’s one of our more diverse efforts. It’s good stuff through and through so give it a read. And if you agree with us and Herm Edwards about how we feel that “we can build on this” (this = The Procrastinator) then continue reading and comment in the comment section of this post or via an email to any one of us about what you like, don’t like, agree with, don’t agree with, or whatever.

Thanks for your time and here’s to you Herm Edwards (who inexplicably still has a job)